Until I hear it from you

Tonight, I found out I lost a friend. He shut himself from me. I was utterly dumbfounded. Yes, it may have been my fault but I don't think he should have reacted the way he did.  I should not have let him hanging. I never really wanted him to expect something from me. I just wanted us to be friends even through the internet. It was the safest way that I could  keep in touch with him and retain our friendship but he insisted. I didn't want to meet with him again because it may unearth the admiration that I had for him years ago, back when he was still involved with someone. Three years since I last saw him. He left to study and teach in our alma mater because he couldn't take the corporate world. Though it was financially rewarding, he felt caged. I emphatized him because that was how I feel sometimes. But I never had the courage to leave because I found my comfort zone.

Every now and then, he would chat me out of nowhere in the wee hours of night even when I was invisible. I didn't know how he knew that I was actually online. We updated each other how we were doing. I told him already met someone and he told me that my boyfriend is a lucky guy. He told me that he plans to wed his girlfriend by 2012 or 2013 and I was thrilled about it.  We were really just friends catching up. He would always say that we should meet up soon but I would always have a reason not to.  I would always try to convince him to go back to our office so he could see me, knowing that he wouldn't because he didn't want to see majority of our officemates.

But then, last May, he suddenly chatted me. Its been months since our last chat.  I didn't reply because I was too sleepy to converse with him. It was also already past midnight. I didn't reply to him twice. On the third time, I replied to him. We had a short talk over the chat during office hours. I wanted him to share his feelings about the people in the office but he declined to do so in chat.    He was no longer with his long time girlfriend. I was completely saddened by it but his response regarding how he felt about the breakup made me even more sad. He told me he has been trying to find me. He wanted to see me and I simply joked about it.  He caught up with me through facebook, that was where we had a long conversation. I was fishing about his former crushes in the office and he refused. He told me again that he wanted to meet me. I was initially flattered  Had it been three years ago that he told me that he wanted to see me, I would have been over the moon. But times are different now. I am committed with someone. And this someone deserves my loyalty.

It was a few days before my fiance's birthday that I saw that he posted a link of Gin Blossom's Until I hear it from You. I commented that I missed that song. To my surprise,  he messaged me that he passed by Unilab and he wanted to text me to meet up with me. I told him he should have passed by the office. He told me he could meet me the next day. I said I'll see if I'm available. He told me he'll call me if he's already there. I found out that he still has my number. But I didn't reply. I simply logged out. Then I found an unknown number trying to call me. When I answered the phone, it was him. He was just confirming if it was still my number. The next day, I was so heavy-hearted. I was tempted to see him but I knew that it will be unfair for my fiance who was staying in Indonesia for work. I told myself that it will be only once, just once. I just had to see him for the last time.  But I realized if I was in my fiance's place, how would I feel. I know I couldn't risk losing my fiance.( I somehow remembered a scene in a korean movie "How to keep your love". For those guys troubled between two loves. You better watch it!). A close friend advised me that this was a test for me of how enduring is my relationship with my fiance.I had to overcome it as a preparation to a married life. If I am able to overcome this temptation, then I wouldn't regret it for the rest of my life.  With my friend's encouragement, I texted him that I can not meet him because I had to go somewhere with friends. I waited for his text. He didn't reply. I didn't dare call him. After my message, I felt better. Just now, when I checked him on Facebook, he was no longer my friend. He was completely invisible to me now. It simply meant that he didn't want to have any connection with me. I think I may have hurt him but most probably I did. I'm sorry if I did.

I don't know how long he will distance himself from me but perhaps this would be for the better. I will definitely miss him and his posts but in time I will get used to it. I hope he could find someone that would fit perfectly in his life. And I pray someday if our paths cross, he could give me a smile, at least a sign of recognition that once in our life we met. From now on, when I hear Gin Blossom's Until I Hear it from You, I would always remember him. I hope in the near future, I can hear from him and how he's doing just like old times. But for now, I will be waiting until I hear it from him..

Stitches in my bag

It was a cold Thursday night. My plan of going home early was derailed. I ditched my choir practice because I was so excited to pick up my newly repaired bag from Besa's, thinking it will be ready by 6 o'clock.
However, it was already 7pm in the evening and I am still reluctantly strolling around Edsa Shang mall, waiting for my bag to be done. So much for telling my parents that I will be home early. My calculations were wrong.  I simply thought that this was just a little sacrifice for a bag that I consider too precious just to be slashed by some heartless thief lurking around Metro Manila who unfortunately picked on my big. This bag was given to me by my parents. How can I bear to look at it and not remember the painful memory of peeking at its slashed side. Hence, I made a decision that I will have it repaired no matter how much it would cost. And it actually cost twice more than my estimated budget for its repair. For what its worth, I know I should save this bag. 

It was already past 7 when I got back to Besa's. Lo and behold, there was my black bag waiting for me. A certain adrenaline rushed through me as the guy gave me back my bag. He pointed to me the stitches done in my bag and I was just astonished that the stitches were not that  visible. I felt a sigh of relief. It looked brand new as ever. Good thing my Fatboy backpack had enough compartment for my black bag. I looked like a camper in my office attire as I carried my  huge backpack.

As I alighted the MRT train, I reflected over things and my affinity towards my bag. I was just like it. The black bag. My spirit has been dampened several times. Like my bag, I needed to be "repaired". But stitches wouldn't be enough to heal my wounds. It just wouldn't. It needed time and forgiveness. I breathed heavily over my realization. Oh yes, I realized that I haven't recovered, not yet but I'm hoping soon enough.

Parting is such a sweet sorrow

Great. This line from Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet has been all over my head since last weekend because my boyfriend will leaving for Indonesia. The idea has been killing me. As if I have a choice.  I'm pretty much emotional about bidding goodbyes. I hate it and will never be poised in doing it. Since I had a meeting this afternoon, I wasn't able to accompany him to the airport which was kind of a blessing in disguise. I wouldn't want to make a scene, haha. I might just cry. When I cry, I really cry hard. To think that he'll just be there for a little over a month.

So I just texted him on my way to work. " Parting is such a sweet sorrow - from Romeo and Juliet. Sorrow because we have to endure this long distance for more than a month. Sweet because we're certain that we'll be back together again and have more time to spend with each other again". I rarely show my sweetness so I had to document it through this blog. Anyway, nobody knows I have one.:)

A Decision: To stay or not to stay

Thanks to Facebook, I learned that my high school classmate is now engaged to her college sweetheart. That was sweet (I was  so tempted to comment that I am also engaged but I chose not to, haha). But then when I opened her page, I was dumbstruck to learn that she was now living in London where her fiance is working. Well, I wasn't expecting that. My idealism came over me again. We were both from UP Diliman where love for country is strongly being taught to every student. How are we supposed to be called  Iskolar ng Bayan  when we choose to leave our own home country for green pastures? Aren't we supposed to have faith in our motherland? I was tempted to question her but it would not be of use anyway. Well, even some of my classmates are already living in other countries so she isn't my only friend who has done so. Even my college friend has been wanting to work in either Singapore or Canada.

This made me ponder about a lot of things. Why am I still staying here in the Philippines? Is it really worth it to hold on to my idealism that I want to be rich here in my home country? Honestly, half of my mind is betraying  me. Even my fiance welcomes the idea that we'll live outside the country but I always try to show indifference about it.  I know I am taking the not so easy way of "getting there".  I'm not sure if its because of my pride- I don't want to leave my comfort zone or because I simply have this dream that I'll be able to achieve my goals here and I'm being stubbornly optimistic about it. Well, that's something I have to think through but for now I'm sticking to my beliefs even if I'm not yet even near of  earning my first million.

Turning down someone can be hard

As a part of my widening horizon & channeling my emotions plan for myself, I took up art lessons for beginners this summer. I really had a superb time.. But then there was a slight prob, there was a guy who accidentally liked me ( I honestly don't know why he did.). It might have been quite flattering but then again I have a boyfriend. I really felt guilty for replying to him flatly that I have a boyfriend. I would have added some sugary words, hoping that he can find someone better but I didn't. There goes the insensitive me again. May be I was stressed or busy with work but I didn't have to be mean. When we saw each other at classes today, I can feel the awkwardness between us. And so I sent him my second reply today, saying sorry if I caused him any pain. I don't expect him to reply to message but at least I already feel that I have already cleaned my conscience.:)

Please Stay

I would have wanted to say please stay

At least for awhile

Or perhaps forever..

As we part ways, 

I can only catch a glimpse of you from the other side.

Unaware of me, you seem in a hurry to catch the next train

While I was wishing there could be more time

I watch as you alight  the train

I suddenly felt alone in this platform

There are words still left unsaid..

Feelings not expressed.

Emotions still repressed.

I would not want to let you know.

I can not beg  for your appeal,

I’m certain you’ll  refuse

and I would not be able to endure it.

I have to keep my pride just this time

We are heading  towards opposite directions

I am aware.

Good bye for now.

But next time, please stay.

Indeterminate State

Too immersed in her world that she forgot to dream
Neglecting her initial aspirations
Paralyzed by all comforts
She remains still